1 00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:01,435 . 2 00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:02,636 [Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings" playing] 3 00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,807 * 4 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:12,146 - * Oh, whoa, whoa 5 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,514 * Oh 6 00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:16,050 - I don't get it. Is he transferring or dying? 7 00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:17,518 - Yeah, Glenn, this is terrible. 8 00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:19,320 - Oh, I didn't make it. Mateo did. 9 00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,588 [all exclaim] - That makes sense. 10 00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,623 - Shh! Pay attention. 11 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,825 What am I gonna miss the most? 12 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,495 Uh, the people? 13 00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,563 They're salt of the Earth. 14 00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:34,635 Simple, basic. Just sort of harmless. 15 00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:36,637 Am I scared? [scoffs] 16 00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:37,738 Of course I'm scared. 17 00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:40,608 - Wait, so, um, who's asking you these questions? 18 00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,210 - Uh... 19 00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,644 * 20 00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:44,545 - Whoa. 21 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,547 - That is not your chest. - Yes it is. 22 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,249 - Then take off your shirt. 23 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:49,650 - I had a big breakfast. 24 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:50,951 My advice? 25 00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:54,522 I guess it would be leaving every place you work at 26 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,557 a little bit better than when you found it. 27 00:00:56,590 --> 00:01:00,428 Did I do that here? Who can say? 28 00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:02,163 Yes. 29 00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,564 I think I did. 30 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,866 - Well, that was a massive waste of time. 31 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,601 - Okay, moving on. 32 00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:10,171 We have not had a tornado drill 33 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,173 in eight years, so we really should-- 34 00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:13,241 - I started this journey 35 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,608 as a small child in the Philippines... 36 00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:16,577 [all groaning] 37 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:19,580 [upbeat music] 38 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:20,681 * 39 00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:23,651 [quirky music] 40 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,653 - So the tub faucet is now working, 41 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:30,458 but the drain is clogged with-- I'm gonna say fur, not hair. 42 00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:32,526 Oh, hold on just one second, please. 43 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:36,230 Guys, corporate is coming down on employee fraternization 44 00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:37,231 due to a recent incident. 45 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:40,334 - The incident of you having gay sex with Mateo? 46 00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:41,602 - I'm not at liberty to say. 47 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:44,338 And we actually just call it sex. 48 00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,706 Uh, but the point is, since you two 49 00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:48,242 have been recently intimate-- 50 00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,178 - Wait, does this mean we gotta transfer too? 51 00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,313 - Oh, no, no way. I am just getting used to 52 00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,648 the wet horse smell coming out of Elias's locker. 53 00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,717 - Uh, no. Mateo only needs to transfer 54 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,486 because I'm at a district level. 55 00:01:58,519 --> 00:01:59,620 Sorry, that sounded like I was bragging. 56 00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,622 - No it didn't. - Okay, the point is, 57 00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:04,158 I just need you guys to fill out these disclosure forms for me. 58 00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,259 Thank you. Hi, sorry about that. 59 00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:06,627 So the phone in my hotel room, yes. 60 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,163 Sometimes when I'm on it, I hear somebody breathing. 61 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,698 - This is where you'll be working? 62 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,666 It looks so different. 63 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,269 - It's a Cloud 9 Signature. 64 00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:18,706 They have a beauty concierge, their produce is all organic, 65 00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:22,310 and their cafe has never given anyone diarrhea. 66 00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,345 - That is impressive. - How did you get 67 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,947 all these pictures of the store? 68 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,717 - It's on Yelp. - Ohh, yeah. 69 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:32,586 - It's a website where people post reviews. 70 00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:35,756 - Wait, do you think our store has a Yelf? 71 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,591 - I'm sure we do. 72 00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,493 - Ah, well, it's amazing how quickly 73 00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:40,728 you all made this about you. 74 00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:43,631 - Voila! - Oh, my God! 75 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:44,598 Look at that! 76 00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:47,668 We're famous! 168 reviews. 77 00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,737 - "Store's okay. I usually stop there 78 00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,439 because it's on my way home." 79 00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:53,707 - We're on his way home. 80 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,409 - Uh... 81 00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:56,610 - Wait, stop! 82 00:02:56,644 --> 00:03:01,382 "Cloud 9, more like Cloud 1, as in the one star I'm giving 83 00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,417 because I can't give zero." 84 00:03:03,451 --> 00:03:04,785 - Ha! He's a good writer. 85 00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:06,554 - Glen, just ignore this. 86 00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:08,689 That guy's a troll. 87 00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,424 No, uh, no. 88 00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:12,726 Uh, he's a full-sized human being, 89 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,696 non-mythical who writes mean things on the Internet. 90 00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,531 - What? - Yeah, 99% of the Internet 91 00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:19,500 is just people tearing other people down. 92 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,369 It's actually why I am considering 93 00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:24,305 leaving social media. - Just do it, already. 94 00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:27,375 Ugh, you don't get points for talking about it. 95 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,344 - My friend Corona sells her pee on the Internet. 96 00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,715 - Hey, what'd you put for nature of relationship? 97 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,551 They only have "spouse," "family member," and "romantic." 98 00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:40,254 - Yeah, I just marked romantic, basically because 99 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,290 it was the closest to where my pen already was. 100 00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:44,492 - Okay, look. There is nothing romantic 101 00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:45,693 about this relationship. 102 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,561 I have been very clear about that. 103 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,663 - Yeah, I agree with you. But we're not family members 104 00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,699 and we're definitely not married, so... 105 00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:54,635 - I'm calling Corporate. 106 00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:55,536 - You've called Corporate so much 107 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,605 that you have memorized their number? 108 00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:58,706 - You're gonna need to talk first. 109 00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,508 Ask for extension 224. 110 00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:03,377 If the operator hears my voice, she won't put me through. 111 00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:05,513 - Yeah, extension 224, please. 112 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:06,680 Oh. 113 00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,650 - Ha! I got through! 114 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,419 - You know, I feel kinda bad that I got promoted 115 00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:12,753 and you guys didn't. 116 00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:13,887 - Oh, is getting transferred 117 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,757 because you're sleeping with Jeff considered a promotion? 118 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,492 - [mouthing] He's so jealous. 119 00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:19,693 - [mouthing] I know. 120 00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,829 - Hey, there you are. - Hey. 121 00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:25,466 - Got your transfer paperwork right here. 122 00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,600 So just go ahead and fill that out 123 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:28,669 and get it turned in to me with your Social Security card 124 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,504 and we're good to go. - Cool. 125 00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:32,706 Um, I-I can actually just give you the number. 126 00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,775 - Uh, no, they actually need to see the card these days. 127 00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,777 They gotta run it through E-Verify. 128 00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,646 Is that gonna be a problem? - No, no, no. 129 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:42,583 No, I just didn't realize this store was like Nazi Germany. 130 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,686 Ve must see your documents. Heil Hitler, Mein Fuhrer. 131 00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,794 - Social Security card. - Great, no problem. 132 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,630 No--no problem. 133 00:04:56,664 --> 00:05:00,468 - Do undocumented people have documents? 134 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,536 - No. No, we don't. 135 00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:03,904 - Oh. 136 00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:05,539 So, like, won't that be an issue? 137 00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:08,642 . 138 00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:09,076 - So...that's it. 139 00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:13,614 Corporate's gonna find out that my documents are fake. 140 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,682 I'm gonna get deported. 141 00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:17,518 And Jeff is gonna get back together with his ex. 142 00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:20,654 Oh, congratulations, Chad. You win. 143 00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:21,822 - You know what? Maybe you should try 144 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:22,823 talking to Jeff. 145 00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,091 Maybe he could-- he could, like, 146 00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:25,426 fudge the paperwork or something. 147 00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,694 - Mm. - Great idea. 148 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,596 "Hey Jeff, you know how 149 00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:30,398 "you're barely even allowed to date me? 150 00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:33,667 Well, surprise, turns out you're also illegally employing me." 151 00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,102 - And I'd marry you if I could. 152 00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:38,872 But I'm supposed to marry Bo and he already bought a tie. 153 00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:41,809 - That's okay. Thanks anyway. 154 00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,878 - You know what? 155 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,515 Screw it. I'll do it. 156 00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,417 I'll marry you. 157 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:52,720 - Ew. 158 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,588 - I don't understand the problem. 159 00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:56,724 - The problem, Maureen, is you have boxes 160 00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,759 for eight different types of "Pacific Islander," 161 00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,495 but only three for what this relationship is. 162 00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:02,863 - Well, it's just for the files. 163 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,798 - It doesn't matter. Just check the box 164 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,600 and let's move on with our lives. 165 00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:09,136 - Fine. Whatever. 166 00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:10,337 - This doesn't mean that you're in love. 167 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,540 It's just saying that you're in a relationship 168 00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:13,574 that entails some level 169 00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:16,677 of mutual attraction and closeness. 170 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:20,113 - Maureen, we're gonna need to speak to your supervisor. 171 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,650 - Sometimes people ask me, "Hey, how'd you get 172 00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,552 those light bulbs way up there?" 173 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,186 And the answer is: I don't know. 174 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,187 [laughs] 175 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,856 Oh, hey, Amy. This is Amy. 176 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,659 She's our intrepid floor supervisor. 177 00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,126 Amy, this is him. 178 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,729 Frenchfryguy81. 179 00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:36,830 - Tim. 180 00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,966 - The troll who wrote the Yelp review. 181 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:42,670 - Oh, oh. No, I wouldn't call him that. 182 00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:45,739 But--so, you invited him back? 183 00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,841 - Yeah, I mean, I couldn't rest knowing there was 184 00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:51,645 an unhappy customer out there who thinks that this place is, 185 00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,582 you know, quote "a bleep show." 186 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:55,716 - Oh, I'm sorry. 187 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,751 I was probably having a pretty bad day 188 00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,753 when I wrote that review. - Oh, we all come down 189 00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,689 with a case of the crabs sometimes. 190 00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,524 - That's an interesting choice of words. 191 00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,659 - Yeah, anyway, I'm giving him the VIP tour. 192 00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:08,562 Come on, I'll show you the giant trash compactor. 193 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,698 - Oh, that is the VIP tour. - Yeah. 194 00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:13,534 - Have fun. - What else have you written? 195 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:17,237 - Uh, I once wrote a review of the Burger King down on Delmar. 196 00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,640 - Oh, I would love to read that. 197 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,909 - So is the fear you'd be committing some kind of fraud? 198 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,712 - No, Robbie, Robbie. You're not listening to us. 199 00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:25,579 - Let me break this down for everyone. 200 00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:28,215 This is strictly sex. No one stays over 201 00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,984 and we keep an even tally in terms of orgasms. 202 00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:31,852 Actually, now that I think about it, 203 00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,687 I owe you a--yeah. - I am well aware. 204 00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,188 - This is T.J. from Legal. 205 00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,590 I've only been on the call the last 36 minutes, 206 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:39,760 but I still think that the totality of the circumstances 207 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,028 points to a romantic relationship. 208 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,262 - Come on. - Mm, dude, no, man. 209 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,865 In a relationship, you know things about the other person. 210 00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:47,735 I don't know anything about Dina, nor do I care to. 211 00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:49,570 - The feeling's mutual. Where did I grow up? 212 00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,505 - I don't know. Is my father dead or alive? 213 00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:52,873 - [imitates buzzer] What is, "Don't care, Alex?" 214 00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,675 - Guys, it's just a box. 215 00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,677 - Actually, sorry to be a fly in the ointment, 216 00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:59,680 but if there are absolutely no feelings of intimacy involved, 217 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,949 it could make things a little grayer, legally. 218 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,685 - Yes, that's our point. - Thank you. 219 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:07,054 - Well thank God we looped in T.J. 220 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,524 [knocking] - Hey, Glenn. 221 00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,560 We found a muddy tire in Softlines. 222 00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:13,994 Nobody knows how it got there and we don't know 223 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,964 what to do with it. - Yeah, okay, glad to hear. 224 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,066 - Glenn. - Hm? 225 00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:23,303 Oh, sorry, I'm just responding to all these old reviews. 226 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,272 - Oh... - Like, in 2006, 227 00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:29,843 this lady found a pool of vomit in Electronics. 228 00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:32,746 "Dear Verna301, 229 00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:35,716 we have cleaned up the vomit." 230 00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,317 We have cleaned up the vomit, right? 231 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,953 - Yeah. I believe so. 232 00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,789 - Wha-- [gasps] 233 00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:45,693 Frenchfryguy81 updated his review! 234 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:48,696 "So the manager invited me back to the store 235 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:54,602 and tried to brainwash me with an hour-long propaganda tour." 236 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:57,070 "Pathetic man." 237 00:08:57,104 --> 00:08:59,773 "Muppet voice." 238 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,775 Why would anyone write this? 239 00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:03,577 - Because he likes complaining. 240 00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:07,347 Don't engage. You won't win. 241 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,916 - Well, you can die trying. 242 00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,951 [clacking keys] 243 00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,020 - * Whispers at the bus stop 244 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,722 * Well, I've heard about 245 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,757 * Nights out in the school yard * 246 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:19,760 * I found out about you 247 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,795 - So we've got Robbie, T.J. from Legal, 248 00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:24,031 Delores from Compliance, Mark from Operations, 249 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,066 and the whole team in Associate Relations. 250 00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,067 Is everyone up to speed? 251 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,769 - Got it. - Yep. 252 00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:29,803 - Sorry if I cut out. I'm on a cruise ship. 253 00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:31,705 - I think what we're coming to here 254 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,306 is adding a fourth box. - Yes! 255 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,742 Yeah, that's all we're asking. 256 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:35,809 - Back on track. 257 00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,778 - Okay, so what do we label the box? 258 00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,847 - Um... 259 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:40,881 - Oh, uh... 260 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,950 - Like, uh, "Friends with Benefits"? 261 00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,118 - Oh. I wouldn't say we're friends. 262 00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:46,954 - Hmm, oh, so maybe more like a-- 263 00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:50,691 and apologies, Maureen-- but like "A Hate Effing Thing"? 264 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,860 Again, sorry, Maureen. - That's okay, T.J. 265 00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,762 I'm a grown-up. - Yeah, you know what? 266 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,730 The thing is that I don't hate Dina. 267 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,365 Eh, I'm just more ambivalent. 268 00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,801 - Yeah, almost like an apathy. - Maybe an apathy. 269 00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,335 - Yeah, I could go with apathy. 270 00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,672 [ship horn blares] 271 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,974 - Sorry, that's me. We're just pulling into port. 272 00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,375 - So you're not a refugee. 273 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,811 You're not a special agricultural worker. 274 00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,746 Any interest in joining the military? 275 00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:13,781 - [sighs] Hm... 276 00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,816 I don't trust myself with a weapon. 277 00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,818 I would like killing too much. 278 00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,887 - Oh, or you could just get beat up. 279 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,890 "Person may be eligible for a special U.N. visa 280 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,925 "if they are a victim of a violent crime, 281 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,093 such as an assault." 282 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,094 - That's crazy. 283 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,962 I can't believe that's real. 284 00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:31,832 - So I would just need to get punched. 285 00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:35,035 - No, it seems like you'd have to get your ass beat pretty bad. 286 00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,704 - [sighs] 287 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:39,707 - Or, if you don't wanna get your ass beat, 288 00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:41,742 I'm still willing to marry you. 289 00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,711 - Oh, thank you, Jonah. 290 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:45,178 When you put it like that... 291 00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:47,848 the ass beating doesn't sound so bad. 292 00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,817 [quirky music] 293 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:52,920 . 294 00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:53,721 - Hey, look at us. Two regular Joes, 295 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:58,191 enjoying some good old FFs, huh? 296 00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,927 - Yeah. Thanks. 297 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,095 You really didn't have to do this. 298 00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,397 - Well, I wanted to talk to you, 299 00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,433 not just as a store manager. 300 00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:09,837 You know, I'm also a human being. 301 00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:10,971 Here. 302 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:19,980 Stupid. 303 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,715 - You get the... 304 00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:22,716 Do you need-- do you need a hand? 305 00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,017 - Hm? 306 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:27,721 No, no, no. It--it's symbolic. 307 00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:30,958 - Look, I regretted that review as soon as I wrote it. 308 00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:32,993 You were so nice before. 309 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,162 I'm sorry. 310 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,831 - Apology accepted. 311 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:41,101 - "So now this idiot drags me back a second time 312 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:44,838 to force feed me French fries and do a strip show"? 313 00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,107 - I used to be a people person. 314 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,809 When I was at the hardware store, 315 00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:51,144 I could cheer up any unhappy customer 316 00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:54,147 with, like, a smile or a few words. 317 00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:59,086 Or sometimes I'd slam my finger in the cash register as a joke. 318 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:02,489 - Ah, look, Glenn, you're still a people person. 319 00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:05,793 - I wish the Internet had never been invented. 320 00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,828 Although then Jerusha wouldn't be able 321 00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:10,130 to buy her Chinese cigarettes. 322 00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:14,101 [lively music playing] 323 00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:18,772 * 324 00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:20,473 - What the hell? 325 00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:21,775 Why did you do that? 326 00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,043 - 'Cause I felt like it. 327 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,278 What are you gonna do about it? 328 00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,848 - All right. 329 00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:29,917 I'm writing up a 32-50 on you. 330 00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,785 And that's going in your file for life. 331 00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,787 [vacuum whirring] - Your mom's a whore. 332 00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,923 - I can't hear you. What did you say? 333 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,225 - Your mom is a whore! 334 00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,961 - Okay, I'll get on that next. 335 00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:46,066 - Hey, Brett. I'm mad at you, let's fight. 336 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:49,202 Ah! What? Put that away, you psycho! 337 00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:50,904 Oh, my God! 338 00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:51,905 Jesus. 339 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:58,245 - Oh, hello, Frenchfryguy81. 340 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,547 - What are you doing here? - We need to talk. 341 00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,850 - Now's not a good time. - Why? 342 00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,152 Are you busy spewing hateful things about good people 343 00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,854 from the comfort of your own... 344 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,288 [tense music] 345 00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,858 Home? 346 00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:11,825 Uh... [clears throat] 347 00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:12,826 Um... 348 00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,995 - [coughing] 349 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,330 Timmy. Tim. 350 00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:20,567 I need you to restart the "Quantum Leap" video. 351 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,904 - Mom, I'll take care of you in a minute. 352 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,974 - Oh, um, I--so... 353 00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,610 - What about "Sexual Co-workers"? 354 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,013 - Awful. - Just say you don't care. 355 00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:34,848 - What about "Friends with--" - Say "Friends with Benefits" 356 00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:37,851 one more time and see what happens. 357 00:13:37,885 --> 00:13:39,219 - I was gonna say "Friends with" something else. 358 00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,253 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 359 00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:41,855 - What were you gonna say? 360 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,095 - "Benefits." - Yeah. 361 00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,296 Pathetic. 362 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:53,100 - My friends and I would say that you guys are just chilling. 363 00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:56,136 - Wait, full-on sex is now considered just chilling? 364 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,305 - Uh-huh, and mouth stuff is hanging out, 365 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,273 and hand stuff is pretty much, 366 00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,575 I like you but just as a friend. 367 00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,912 - Hm. Wow, times have changed. 368 00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:05,979 - Yeah. 369 00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,050 - [coughs] 370 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,251 [tape rewinder whirring] 371 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:14,321 [coughing] 372 00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:19,960 [whirring and coughing continue] 373 00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:26,066 - Sorry, this will just be a couple of minutes. 374 00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:27,600 - [clears throat] 375 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,337 - Come on! - No, I'm not gonna beat you up. 376 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,572 - Oh, so you'd just rather I get kicked out of the country? 377 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:33,640 I thought you were my friend. 378 00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,575 - I am your friend. 379 00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:37,310 That's why I offered to marry you. 380 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,313 - For the last time, I will not marry you, Jonah! 381 00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:44,651 - I-I don't wanna marry him. 382 00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,020 I just think that he should wanna marry me. 383 00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:48,956 Never mind. Keep shopping. 384 00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:52,259 - Look, I know you don't want to hurt me, 385 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:55,195 but not doing this is hurting me. 386 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,630 So... 387 00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,632 if you're really my friend, 388 00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:03,103 please, beat the hell out of me. 389 00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,639 - Okay, let's do this. 390 00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,141 Let's rumble. 391 00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:09,309 - Oh. 392 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,978 - [grunts] 393 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,281 - Why are you stretching your legs? 394 00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:15,949 - That's where the power comes from. 395 00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:18,952 - Okay. How do you want to do this? 396 00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:20,954 - Uh, I don't know. 397 00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:22,622 I'm not really much of a fighter. 398 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:25,225 - I guess just start with a punch in the face? 399 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,027 - Yeah, yeah, okay. 400 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,361 Uh, uh... 401 00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,230 Maybe--maybe close your eyes. 402 00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:33,233 Yeah, just--yeah, okay, cool. 403 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,367 [sighs] 404 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,970 Uh, on second thought, open your eyes. 405 00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,105 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Open? 406 00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,073 - Okay. 407 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,109 Here it comes. 408 00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:44,077 Here we go. 409 00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,979 No, see, now you're just staring at me 410 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,147 and--and that's weird. 411 00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,681 - [sighs] Oh, come on. 412 00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,483 Uh, don't think of it as a hate crime. 413 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:52,219 - Well, I wasn't. 414 00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,054 But now I am. 415 00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:57,490 - You could just stomp on his head. 416 00:15:57,524 --> 00:15:59,259 - Yeah, how about I just do this? 417 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,295 What if I just kind of go like this? 418 00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,964 And you just sort of walk into it. 419 00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:15,408 . 420 00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:16,309 - Come on, just hit me. - I'm trying, okay? 421 00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,712 Say something mean. - Like what? 422 00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,381 - Um, I don't know. 423 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,416 Oh, say something mean about Beyoncé. 424 00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,318 - [scoffs] I'd rather be deported. 425 00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,454 - Mateo, it's not that easy to just punch somebody 426 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,688 that you're not fighting with. 427 00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,190 - Fine. Then let's fight. 428 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:31,391 - Well-- - Come on. 429 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:32,392 - Okay, but I-- - Hit me, wuss. 430 00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:35,228 - Well, I-I--we already-- - Come on, hit me. 431 00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:37,030 - Well, I-- this is not necessary. 432 00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:39,032 - Hit me. - I'd like--I'd like to hit you. 433 00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:39,832 - Hit me. 434 00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:41,334 - No--Mateo, my point-- - Hit me! 435 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,502 - Ow! - Oh! 436 00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:44,371 [tense music] 437 00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:46,306 - All right! 438 00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,740 Now you go. 439 00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,376 * 440 00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,478 - I could tell he hit you hard because it's the only time 441 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,446 I've ever seen your hair move. 442 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,148 - I thought it was gonna be one of those 443 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:58,085 straight guy things where I hit you and you hit me back. 444 00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:00,453 - Why isn't pacifism a straight guy thing? 445 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,222 - I don't know. It just isn't. 446 00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:05,558 - So... what are you gonna do now? 447 00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,094 - [sighs] 448 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,497 I don't know. 449 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,300 - Just--just talk to Jeff. 450 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:17,070 He cares about you. You'll--you'll work it out. 451 00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,239 - Yeah, maybe. 452 00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:22,142 - I'm sorry I didn't come through for you. 453 00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:25,478 - Yeah, you really blew it. 454 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:28,415 - All right, we have been talking and-- 455 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:32,285 - We'd like a fourth box added, labeled as "other." 456 00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:33,786 - That's it? "Other"? 457 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:37,090 - We're very excited about "other," Maureen. 458 00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:39,326 - Okay, fine. "Other" it is. 459 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:40,360 - Legal signs off. - Sounds good. 460 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,529 - I missed the Captain's dinner for this. 461 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,231 [line clicks] - All right. 462 00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:46,333 "Other." - Hey, I'm happy with it. 463 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:47,334 Boom. - Did it! 464 00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:49,336 - Hey, good job. - Yeah. 465 00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:51,471 - Yeah. 466 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:52,539 Okay. 467 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,607 - I'm gonna just go dock your pay, 468 00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:57,110 'cause you should have been working all this time. 469 00:17:57,144 --> 00:17:58,511 Slacker. 470 00:17:58,545 --> 00:17:59,779 - You got bird seed in your hair. 471 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:01,781 - Shut up. 472 00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,517 [rabbit squeaks] 473 00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,519 - Did you give her the cookies? 474 00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,621 - I gave them to her. 475 00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:10,323 You don't have to eat those. 476 00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:12,625 - Well, I can't because they're dominoes. 477 00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,600 - Look, I haven't worked in six months. 478 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,635 GameStop said they were cutting back, 479 00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:26,439 but then I went in there, and they hired four new girls. 480 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,908 So then I get on the computer, 481 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:32,445 where I'm the guy who can win for a change. 482 00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,382 Oh, forget it. I'm not explaining it right. 483 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:37,584 - No, no. I get it. 484 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:42,322 I mean, it's not like my life is so terrific. 485 00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:47,160 I have tons of debt. My marriage is struggling. 486 00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:50,297 And it all feels like it's never gonna change. 487 00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,565 [quirky music] 488 00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,401 - Wow. 489 00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,403 Your life sounds as bad as mine. 490 00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:57,537 [rabbit squeaks] 491 00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,639 - Uh-huh. - Timmy, one of the rabbits 492 00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,208 is eating the other one. 493 00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:05,345 - I'll get around to it, Ma! 494 00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:06,613 [sighs] 495 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:09,182 * 496 00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:10,583 You know, it feels like ages 497 00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:14,887 since I've just sat and talked to somebody like this. 498 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:19,492 - Yeah. This is--this is nice. 499 00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:20,960 - Friends? 500 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,396 - Friends. 501 00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:26,633 - "And then this psycho stalker doesn't eat the cookies 502 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,335 my mom offered her." 503 00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:29,536 You wouldn't eat the cookies? 504 00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,471 - Well, they were dominoes. 505 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,607 The point is, he was as mean to me as he was to you. 506 00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:37,410 - Oh, no, he's way meaner to you. 507 00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:40,480 He says you're a munchkin. [laughs] 508 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,349 - Glad to see you're feeling better. 509 00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:45,352 - He calls you "Lamey Amy." 510 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,954 Oh, that's clever. 511 00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:49,589 He's a good writer. 512 00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,225 - Jeff. 513 00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:53,626 Jeff, wait. - Hey! 514 00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:56,596 - Ah, a little celebratory dinner tonight? 515 00:19:56,629 --> 00:20:01,268 I made us a reservation at the place with the fish tank. 516 00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,270 - I can't transfer. 517 00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,572 - What? Why? 518 00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:08,007 - Uh... I just... 519 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,578 It's complicated, but I-- I just can't. 520 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,646 - All right, well, I mean, we talked about it. 521 00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,648 I would transfer but there's... 522 00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:16,783 - No, I'm not asking you to transfer. 523 00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:18,518 - No, but I'm just saying, if this is about your career, 524 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,019 I totally get that. - It's not about the job. 525 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,555 - Okay, but it would be a lateral move at worst for you. 526 00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:25,625 - Jeff, please listen to me. I just--I'm not... 527 00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:31,398 I'm not... 528 00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,433 in love with you. 529 00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,569 - Oh. 530 00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,371 I...uh... 531 00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,478 Are you breaking up with me? 532 00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:50,417 - I'm sorry. [sighs] 533 00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:53,420 [solemn music] 534 00:20:53,453 --> 00:21:00,293 * 535 00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:04,564 - Are you okay? 536 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,566 - Not really. 537 00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,569 I just--I don't know if I did the right thing-- 538 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,571 - [gasps] 539 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,040 - Ha. I did it! 540 00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:15,041 Whoo! 541 00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:16,676 - Ulch. - Cheyenne, I did it. 542 00:21:16,709 --> 00:21:18,678 - [moans] Oh. 543 00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:20,580 - [panting] 544 00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:21,648 You're welcome.